Trevor WholohanWeekend Funnys
April 7th 2007 00:49
- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
- The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
The Kitty Cat
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered".
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the little girl to explain.
rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "fuck!" the rottweiler ate him!"
59 and pregnant
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she wasseen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes inthe examination room, the doctor told her she waspregnant. She burst out, screamingas she ran down the hall.An older doctor stopped her and asked what theproblem was, and she told him her story.
Afterlistening, he had her sit down and relax in anotherroom.The doctor marched down the hallway to the backwhere the first doctor was and demanded, "What's thematter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she hasfour grown children and seven grandchildren, and youtold her she was pregnant?
"The new doctor continued to write on his clipboardand without looking up said,
"Does she still have thehiccups?"
IRS Rabbi joke
The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a
synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi
and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have
enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they
send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually
had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his
obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do...with the
crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we
send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they
send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well,
Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the
Internal Revenue Service."
"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And... about once
a year, they send us a little prick like you."
There were two nuns ....
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other onewas known as Sister Logical [SL]. It was getting dark and they werestill far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the pastthirty-eight and half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical ... he wants to rape us.
SM: Oh no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way andI'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about whathas happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened?!?
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow usboth, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as Icould and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can runfaster than a man with his pants down!
And if you thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
Obituary of the Late Mr. Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only wo rsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense wa s preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; His wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing
(Actual writings from hospital charts)
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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