Trevor WholohanWeekend Funnys
March 10th 2007 01:39
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Texas Pullover
Two non-Texans are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says,
"Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that guy would've tried that stuff with me!
Regular Consumption of Guinness
Well now, you see it's like this.... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd. In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first.... So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain. The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.
If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?
Mrs. O'Connor Wants a Divorce
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.
"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor.
"Sure now, we only have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.
What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Only a Southerner- Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
- Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
- Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
- Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
- Only a Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
- Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large peach cobbler!
- Only a Southerner grows up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
- Only a Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" and go your own way.
Momentous Question
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question. "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea!
Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
Headlines from the Year 2029
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia ( formerly California).
- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. - Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
- Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).
- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Library Blonde
A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor." The librarian replies, "This is a library." So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."
Father-Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."
Texas Pullover
Two non-Texans are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
"Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that guy would've tried that stuff with me!
Regular Consumption of Guinness
Well now, you see it's like this.... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd. In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first.... So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain. The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.
If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?
Mrs. O'Connor Wants a Divorce
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.
"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor.
"Sure now, we only have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.
What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Only a Southerner- Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
- Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
- Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
- Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
- Only a Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
- Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large peach cobbler!
- Only a Southerner grows up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
- Only a Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" and go your own way.
Momentous Question
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question. "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea!
Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
Headlines from the Year 2029
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia ( formerly California).
- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. - Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
- Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).
- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Library Blonde
A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor." The librarian replies, "This is a library." So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."
Father-Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."
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