Trevor WholohanWeekend Funnys
February 24th 2007 02:35
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Pet Lovers Manifesto- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
Jock in Trouble
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!"
Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck.
Jock prays again: "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
Rare Birds
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
The Broken Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. " When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Marriage is a relationship in which One person is always right, and the other is a husband.
BEST WISCONSIN JOKE YET!!!!
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So, she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible!
Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Oshkosh, Wisconsin and I worked both sides of Lake Winnebago."
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider war on terrorism taxes. Or, as they are currently known, taxes." --Seth Meyers
"Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed ... in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for president. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond." --Amy Poehler
"Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does." --Jay Leno
"The rumor in Hollywood right now is that Al Gore may announce he's running for president during a speech at the Academy Awards. That's right folks, they found a way to make Oscar speeches even more boring." --Conan O'Brien
"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation's history. It is the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. It is widely regarded as the greatest comedy event of the century. The AARP is using the occasion to remind seniors not to go hunting with the vice president. ... It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration ever does." --Jimmy Kimmel
"We're learning more and more about that crazy astronaut. ... She told the police that she was involved with another astronaut and that it was more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship. Or, as the Clintons call it, 'marriage.'" --Jay Leno
Intern Tech
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
A Doctor and a Lawyer Meet at a Party
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning." The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.
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