Trevor WholohanWeekend Funnys
February 17th 2007 02:42
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is now in Iraq. She made a surprise visit to Iraq. Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before. ... She didn't say how long she'd be staying in Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message." --Jay Leno
"Senator John Kerry went to the floor to make what he called an 'important and urgent announcement' [on screen: Kerry talking about a variety of things and concluding that he will not run for WH '08]. Unfortunately, this is another example of sloppy journalism. The media said this is Kerry announcing he will not run in 2008. In fact, this was Kerry simply completing his concession speech from 2004" --Jon Stewart
"In his State of the Union address, President Bush said our economy is on the move. It's moving to India, but hey." --Jay Leno
"John Kerry announced yesterday that he will not run for president in 2008, which leaves only several hundred Democratic candidates for president." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards -- you know, the man who always says there are two Americas -- is moving into a brand new, $6 million, 28,000-square foot home on 102 acres. Well, I think we know which America he's living in." --Jay Leno
"The president proposes a drastic measure [on screen: Bush proposing a special advisory council on the war on terror comprised of 'leaders in Congress from both political parties']. What? Both parties in an advisory role? I think they already have something like that. I think it's called Congress." --Jon Stewart
"Political experts say that Barack Obama drew record crowds in New Hampshire. Well sure, it's New Hampshire. They've never seen a black guy before." --Jay Leno
"Senator Barack Obama proposed for the first time setting a deadline for withdrawing troops from Iraq, as part of a broader plan aimed at bolstering his foreign policy credentials. Because if you don't know your foreign policy, you might only get elected president twice." -- Amy Poehler
"In an interview Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney acknowledged an aircraft carrier sent to the Persian Gulf sends Iran a strong message that says 'We're here to stay.' Because nothing says 'We're here to stay' like a boat." --Seth Meyers
"This week at a fashion show in Rome, a line of dresses were introduced that feature huge pictures of Hillary Clinton's face. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, 'Finally, Hillary's face on another woman's body.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has a plan. He says that if we need to, we can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius" --Jimmy Kimmel, on fighting global warming
"President Bush spoke at the 55th Annual National Prayer Breakfast. President Bush said that he's prayed every single day since he took office. Hey, you're not the only one. Join the club." --Jay Leno
Dumb
There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth."
The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot." The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner." The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.
The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave." Sam says "OK." and leaves.
The professors keep arguing. Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not.
Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it."
Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."
A Truck Driver's Duty
A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.
A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."
George and the Dragon
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes.
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
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