Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
June 1st 2007 23:54
Moral of the Story
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this to four women (or men who cherish one) who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent!
Lovely Girl
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car around," he ordered.
The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.
"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."
"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."
Recent Quips from Late Night
"It looks like the Senate and the president have finally agreed on an immigration bill. ... This one looks like it could become law and, of course, nobody likes it. The conservatives say the bill gives amnesty to the illegals. The liberals say it doesn't go far enough to protect the hardworking immigrants here in America. And the L.A.P.D. doesn't know who to beat up." --Bill Maher
"Part of this new immigration bill requires the head of the household to be sent home. He has to go back to his home country. Some people say this would be cruel to take a hardworking person working for the American dream and send them home. But, hey, 'American Idol' does it every week." --Jay Leno
"The Associated Press says that many of the Mexican people in Mexico are against this new immigration bill. Oh, man. Let's hope they don't boycott coming here." --Jay Leno
"They killed the Taliban's top commander in Afghanistan. ... You know, it's going to be nice for Saddam Hussein to have help shoveling coal into the furnace of Hell." --David Letterman
"President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair held their last joint press conference. President Bush says he's gonna miss listening to Tony Blair, because when he closes his eyes, Blair sounds just like C3PO." --Conan O'Brien
"During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt." --Seth Meyers
"Lieutenant General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon's director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after being the last one in the room to yell, 'Not it!'" --Amy Poehler
"Happy TGIF! Do you know what TGIF stands for? ... The Greencard Is Five Grand." --Jay Leno
"Toyota introduced a luxury hybrid car that costs $125,000. The luxury hybrid is perfect for the person who wants to be environmentally conscious, but still wants to look like a selfish a-hole." --Conan O'Brien
Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
Start at the very beginning ...
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"
A Deep Rooted Delusion
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
Inspiring Music
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."
Convention
A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security.
The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him.
Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" my friend asked nervously.
"Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."
Feline Jury
Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats?
Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
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