Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
May 25th 2007 23:16
Why women should avoid a girls' night out after they are married!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him, "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Not all Blondes are Dumb
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.''
With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!''
With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left. The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other,
''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''
True Friendship
(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
;
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrib le stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your
clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?, "Because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing in your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
The Chicken and the Egg.
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chcken is leaning against the headboard,
smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says:
"Well, I guess we've answered that question!"
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him.! I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Grandma!
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house Tony asked "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room
and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken back, but decided to tell
him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK"
and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called
sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! -- and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!!"
Deer Camp
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly,
I just sat up and watched him all night.
"The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl
shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn.
Frank was a big burly ex-footballplayer; a man's man. The next morning he came to
breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night."
Sugar Daddy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a
call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature
and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest
of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach
house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a
$2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a
factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do
you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You screw her again."
Old Biker Chick
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes to the club andknocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amusedand says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep ... my bike is parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep ... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
Gas
I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
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