Trevor WholohanWeekend Funnys
May 11th 2007 23:48
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davey, what sound does a cow make?"Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'." "Alice, what sound does a cat make?"Alice said, "It goes 'meow'." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'." "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"
Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously. Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
Piranha
While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
Four-Letter Surgery
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
Reasons to Leave Work
1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.
2. Came dressed in only a towel...again.
3. Ran out of paper clips.
4. I've decided to telecommute.
5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.
6. It's a long drive home to Texas.
7. One-day sale at Macy's.
8. My brain is melting!
9. I think they found me out...
10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.
Three Old Men
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man. "Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'." Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age'!"
Testing for Development-Archetypes
Nobody can deny that the goal of software development is to produce the highest quality product possible. The only way to ensure that quality is through extensive testing. Therefore, the following testing programs will be implemented as additions to the regularly scheduled regression testing:
Aggression Testing: Punching all developers with an open bug.
Confession Testing: All developers must admit what they either cannot do or have blown off. Digression Testing: Developers and analysts must change the subject and ramble when the topic of bugs comes up.
Repression Testing: All developers must tell everyone who they secretly want to kill. Oppression Testing: All developers will be required to work 24 hours a day until all bugs are fixed. Depression Testing: All developers must explain which bugs make them sad, and why. Succession Testing: Developers must be able to name the chain of command in the event that a PM dies.
Hessian Testing: QA will be redone by German mercenaries.
Joe Pescian Testing: All functions to be tested by a hot-headed Mafioso.
Please see your PM to get your testing schedule.
Card Game
Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.
Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.
At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all.
Why is that?" Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all." "Memory school? What memory school?" Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower . . . " "A rose?" asked Red. "Yeah, that's it!"
Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"
Recent Quips from Late Night
"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno
"Are you folks excited about the 2008 presidential campaign? ... Hillary Clinton says that if she's elected, she will name her husband Bill Clinton a roving ambassador to the world. ... Hmmm. Let me think about this. Bill Clinton traveling around the world without his wife? No, I can't see anything going wrong there." --David Letterman
"Earlier today, President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, 'Great, I love Pokemon.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Some other world class entertainers gathered this weekend for a good cause at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner. This is where politicians cut loose and make fun of each other and themselves. Last year Stephen Colbert was the headliner, but he was a little bit too funny for their liking I guess, because this year, they went a slightly safer route. They exhumed Rich Little to be the MC. ... Now, when we finally need Dick Cheney to shoot an old man, he's nowhere to be found." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno
"President Bush was in town. ... He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue. It's part of his program 'No Cash Left Behind'" --David Letterman
"Bill Clinton announced he'll be flying to Russia to attend the funeral of former president of Russia Boris Yeltsin. At least, that's what he's telling Hillary." --Conan O'Brien
"Sheryl Crow was at the dinner to raise awareness of global warming, and she has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper when they go to the bathroom. ... So in other words, don't ever shake Sheryl Crow's hand" --Jimmy Kimmel
Blackbeard's Photo
Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself. So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo.
He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to "Please Poseidon!"
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