Trevor WholohanWeekend Funnys
December 9th 2006 00:31
Weekend Funnys
Ways to Confuse Santa Claus
- Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
- While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. - Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
- While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
- Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
- Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"
- Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
- Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
- While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
More Ways to Confuse Santa Claus
- Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"
- Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
- Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. - While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
- Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
- Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
- Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. - Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
- Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
Health Professionals in Heaven
Three nurses died and went to Heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questioned them. "What did you used to do back on Earth?" he asked the first nurse. "Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?" She told him, "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children." "Very noble. You may enter." And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse. "I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God's love." The second nurse replied. "Excellent!" said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse. She hesitated, then explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO." St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, then told her, "Well, you can enter, too." "Wow!" the nurse exclaimed in relief. "I almost thought you weren't going to let me in." "Oh, you can certainly come in," St. Peter told her, "but you can only stay for three days."
Golf Natural
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?", the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"
Waiting in Line
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
Ways to Confuse Santa Claus
- Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
- While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. - Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
- While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
- Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
- Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
- Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
- While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
More Ways to Confuse Santa Claus
- Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"
- Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
- Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
- Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
- Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. - Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
- Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
Health Professionals in Heaven
Three nurses died and went to Heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questioned them. "What did you used to do back on Earth?" he asked the first nurse. "Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?" She told him, "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children." "Very noble. You may enter." And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse. "I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God's love." The second nurse replied. "Excellent!" said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse. She hesitated, then explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO." St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, then told her, "Well, you can enter, too." "Wow!" the nurse exclaimed in relief. "I almost thought you weren't going to let me in." "Oh, you can certainly come in," St. Peter told her, "but you can only stay for three days."
Golf Natural
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?", the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"
Waiting in Line
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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