Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
April 1st 2007 00:57
Here are some examples:
01 Freezer Bags:They are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
02 Photocopiers:These are female, because once turned off, it takes awhile to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductivedevice if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreck havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
03 Tires:Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are oftened over inflated.
04 Hot Air BalloonsAlso a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ass.
05 SpongesThese are female, because they are soft, sqeezable, and retain water.
06 Web PagesFemale, because thet're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
07 TrainsDefinitely male, because they use the same old lines for picking up people.
08 Egg TimersEgg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
09 HammersMale, because in the last 5,000 years, thet've hardly changed at all, and occasionally handy to have around.
10 The Remote Control:Female, Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push he just keeps trying.
Military Time
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?""Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action.""Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.
"The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?""1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into
WalMart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The WalMart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.....Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't twins , the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?.....Do you really think they look alike?" "No Ma'am", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
Hell
A guy from Wisconsin dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see i f he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Wisconsinite is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.
The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?" The man, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Wisconsin. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the man's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind.
Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the man is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The man replies, "This is great! Just like April in Wisconsin. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!" The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make him suffer.
He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly...Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make him unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. The man is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down, he throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Packers won the Super Bowl!"
Embarrassing Medical Exams
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporti ng to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to p ut it! " I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete c onfusi on she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was sched uled f or immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!.................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but do you realize the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener?" Dr. Wouldn't submit his name
Funny One-Liners!
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All women are idiots, and I married their Queen.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, I Hate you, I hate Kansas, I'm taking the dog. Dorothy.
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