Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
January 7th 2007 02:58
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Alternative to the Flu Shot
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl."Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Wedding Anniversary
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 secondsAND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift -wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Ed has been missing since Friday.
Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Definitions
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!
1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
5) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
6) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
7) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
8) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Make Life More Enjoyable
- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
- No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
- Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
- If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Quips From Late Night
The long anticipated Iraq Study Group report was delivered to President Bush this week. He promised to take it just as seriously as all the other Iraq reports stuffed down between his desk and the wall." --Amy Poehler
"You know the part of the Iraqi report that concerns President Bush the most? Having to read it." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, the Christmas tree in front of the White House fell over. ... Even after the tree collapsed, President Bush insisted that the tree was doing a heckuva job." --Conan O'Brien
"Exciting news from the White House. Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, who is a lesbian, is pregnant. I think President Bush is a little confused about the big news. He immediately called the Lebanese Ambassador to pass on his congratulations." --Jay Leno
"Today the House Ethics Committee ... released its report on Mark Foley. ... Well, they found willful ignorance, but no rules were broken. They said the whole thing was proper according to the law. Okay, Cardinal Bernard law. .. Hitting on kids is not a crime? Who was chairing this commission, Michael Jackson." --Jay Leno
"In an interview on the 'Today Show' Wednesday, Al Gore said the war in Iraq is the worst strategic mistake in the entire history of the United States. Disagreeing with that statement? Slaves." --Amy Poehler
"A new study has found that one in seven Mexican workers are employed in the United States. Apparently the other six just live here." --Conan O'Brien
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