Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
March 17th 2007 22:39
TWO DWARVES GO INTO A BAR WHERE THEY PICK UP TWO PROSTITUTES AND TAKE THEM TO THEIR SEPARATE HOTEL ROOMS. THE FIRST DWARF HAS A PROBLEM GETTING IT UP AND HIS DEPRESSION IS MADE WORSE BY THE FACT THAT FROM THE NEXT ROOM, HE HEARS HIS LITTLE FRIEND SHOUTING, "HERE I COME AGAIN! ALMOST...ALMOST...ONE...TWO.. .THREE...UUH!!!" ALL NIGHT LONG.IN THE MORNING, THE SECOND DWARF ASKS THE FIRST, "SO HOW DID IT GO"?THE FIRST MUTTERS, "IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING. I SIMPLY COULDN'T GET IT UP!!!"THE SECOND DWARF SHOOK HIS HEAD.
"YOU THINK THAT'S EMBARRASSING? I COULDN'T EVEN GET ON THE BED"!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad explained to him that if he mentioned anything about the baby not having ears, he would get the spanking of his life. Johnny's dad went even further and said if Johnny even mentioned the word "ears" at all his life would be over.Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby". The mother said, "Thank you Little Johnny". Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes". "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny."Yes" the mother replied! "We are so thankful because the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision"!
"That's great" said Little Johnny..."cause' he'd be SCREWED if he needed glasses"!
Sleeping with Patients
Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty about it all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. Every once in a while he would hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, "Dave...don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you certainly won't be the last. You're even single. No worries". But invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering,
"Dave...you're a veterinarian"!
Professor Marijuana
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture and on to his favorite subject: The Evils Of Marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors. "Used regularly", he explained, "pot can cause disorientation, sterility, cancer, and castration!""Now wait a minute, professor", interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!!!""Yes, young man. Sadly, it's true", replied the professor smugly.
"Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies"!
Your An Eight
Little Mark is sitting in school when he raises his hand and the teacher calls on him. "Can I go take a piss"? Mark asks. The teacher said, "The correct term in urinate. Mark...please use urinate in a sentence".
Mark is like, "Ok, urinate. Urinate, but if you had bigger boobs, you would be a 10".
Old Man in a Nursing Home
An old man named Mr. Goldstein was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was something wrong. "Yes, there is" said Mr. Goldstein. "My private part died today and I'm very sad". Knowing her patients can seem a little confused at times, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences". The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein", she said. "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back in your pajamas". "But nurse Tracy", replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died".
"Well" he replied..."TODAY IS THE VIEWING"!
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Big news from the 2008 presidential campaign. Last night, Senator John McCain -- right here on this program -- announced he's running for president. And then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab." --David Letterman
"And tomorrow night, here on the 'Late Show', Al Gore will announce he's going on the South Beach diet." --David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton's campaign is bragging that Hillary has raised over $1 million on the Internet. In a related story, Bill Clinton is bragging that he has spent more than one million dollars on the Internet" --Conan O'Brien
"Kind of an embarrassing situation for Al Gore with his whole global warming thing. Turns out his Tennessee home has been using 20 times the energy as the average household. To be fair, it is still not as much energy as John Edwards' blow-dryer is using." --Jay Leno
"A new poll finds that President Bush's father, George Bush, is the most popular living ex-president. Apparently, voters were just excited to hear the words 'George Bush' next to the phrase 'ex-president.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The state Senate in Florida wants to outlaw the term 'illegal alien' because it is insensitive. They want to go with a more politically correct term, like 'Wal-Martian." --Jay Leno
"It's March 1st. Black History Month is officially over. But did you know that black history continues ... almost all the time. Take the story of one Reverend Al Sharpton -- Democrat, one-time presidential candidate and outspoken leader on civil rights. Funny story. Some genealogist is looking into his background and ... you're not going to believe this. It turns out his great grandfather had been enslaved by a relative of late South Carolina Senator and famed segregationist Strom Thurmond. Only in America. I mean, seriously, it only could have happened in America." --Jon Stewart
"James Cameron, film director, claims he has discovered the tomb of Christ. I just hope this doesn't lead to a court battle in Florida. ... Who would have guessed they found Jesus before bin Laden?" --David Letterman
Double-Decker Bus
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss. A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing."
The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
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