Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
March 11th 2007 02:25
LOW OIL
This Should Help Explain It All...
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country Well, there's a very simple answer......nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California,
Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Michigan, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania
and Texas.
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC Any Questions?
Exercise Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight lossprogram.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him avoluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair ofNike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself asa representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you cancatch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles laterhuffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for thenext four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighshimself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs.as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program. The nextday there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearingnothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,"If you catch me, you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellentshape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the nextfour days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in betterand better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himselfonly to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "Thisis our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't feltthis good in years."The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he findsRichard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you're mine."
Oil Change
Oil instructions for women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change: $20.00. Coffee: $1.00. Total: $21.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid Environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame
removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
A LESSON IN LIFE
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.
One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy ... my ass itches."
Is he Dead
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help.
First, are sure he's dead."There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Yep, now what?"
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Congratulations to Al Gore. His movie won an Oscar. Today it got reversed by the Supreme Court. ... Al Gore announced last night that for the first time, the Academy Awards had a green theme. Which is not really true. It's always had a green theme -- money and envy." --Jay Leno
"I was listening to the news in the back. This just in: President Bush just promised we will be out of the Academy Awards by 2010" --David Letterman
"But the big winner of the night was global warming. Everyone jumped on the hybrid bandwagon. But if you ask me, any lowering of emissions they achieved with the limos was canceled out by the amount of smoke they blew up Al Gore's (butt). ... Gore wanted this award so much, he pulled a DeNiro. Did you see how much weight he gained for the part?" --Stephen Colbert
"But the big winner of the night was global warming. Everyone jumped on the hybrid bandwagon. But if you ask me, any lowering of emissions they achieved with the limos was canceled out by the amount of smoke they blew up Al Gore's ass. ... Gore wanted this award so much, he pulled a DeNiro. Did you see how much weight he gained for the part?" --Stephen Colbert
"Last night, Helen Mirren won an Oscar for her role in 'The Queen.' And now, the real Queen of England has invited her to have tea at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Bush has extended a similar invitation to Larry the Cable Guy." --Conan O'Brien
"Angelina Jolie is joining the prestigious Council on Foreign Relations. In a related story, Kofi Annan will be playing the role of Lara Croft in 'Tomb Raider 3.'" --Conan O'Brien
Double Death
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
"If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
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