Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
January 28th 2007 02:55
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Three Blondes & The Texas State Patrol
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the TexasHighway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the threeof them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"The blondes all nodded.The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sittingback down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a policeofficer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice thingssuch as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "Did you notice anydistinguishing features about this man?"The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye inthis picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her facefor two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anythingunusual or outstanding about this man?""Yes! He only has one ear!"The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear whatI just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of courseyou can only see one ear! You're excused too!"The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you noticeanything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking atsome of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzledexpression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wearscontacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?
"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye andone ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
15 things to do at walmart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.....and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose
10. While holding guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"
(And last but not least!) 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait awhile; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor "assisted living apartment" .. Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honour, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly."
Whiskey Shots
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man.
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man drunkenly replies, "I have a dollar."
How Blonde Was She???
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...* She thought a quarterback was a refund. * She thought General Motors was in the army. * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. * She sent a fax with a stamp on it. * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She tripped over a cordless phone. * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate." * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She studied for a blood test. * She sold the car for gas money. * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead. * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... *She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
For more info on this Banner click on www.supermantag.org
Three Blondes & The Texas State Patrol
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the TexasHighway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the threeof them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"The blondes all nodded.The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sittingback down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a policeofficer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice thingssuch as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "Did you notice anydistinguishing features about this man?"The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye inthis picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her facefor two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anythingunusual or outstanding about this man?""Yes! He only has one ear!"The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear whatI just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of courseyou can only see one ear! You're excused too!"The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you noticeanything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking atsome of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzledexpression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wearscontacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?
"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye andone ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
15 things to do at walmart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.....and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose
10. While holding guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"
(And last but not least!) 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait awhile; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor "assisted living apartment" .. Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honour, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly."
Whiskey Shots
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man.
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man drunkenly replies, "I have a dollar."
How Blonde Was She???
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...* She thought a quarterback was a refund. * She thought General Motors was in the army. * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. * She sent a fax with a stamp on it. * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She tripped over a cordless phone. * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate." * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She studied for a blood test. * She sold the car for gas money. * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead. * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... *She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
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