Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
December 31st 2006 02:11
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Putting Up With Jocks
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
More Feline Physics
Law of Cat Elongation - A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction - A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration - A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance - Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration - No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance - A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation - Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Milk Consumption - A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing - A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement - A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
"This is kind of scary. The new head of the House intelligence committee, Congressman Silvestre Reyes, failed a quiz on terrorist organizations. He didn't know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite, didn't seem to know what Hezbollah was. So apparently, the term 'intelligence committee' is just a suggestion." --Jay Leno
"They had the Iraqi Commission report and President Bush says he will not make a decision about getting us out of Iraq until 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought ... unlike getting us into Iraq." --David Letterman
Electric Trains
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?" The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."
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