Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
April 28th 2007 23:20
Forrest Gump & Heaven
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyo ne. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... " "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,"
Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Having Babies
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith." Yes, I'm afraid so.
I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod ?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!
Blonde Joke
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note.
"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM"
Signed, "The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boys jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag behind the big oak tree just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag with the cash was the following not.
"Here is your money. I can't believe that one blonde
would do this to another."
You're a Kinky One if...
...you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for.
...you realize you’ve charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year
...you start rating your CDs by how interesting it’ll be to beat someone to ...someone asks how long you’ve been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort and start to stamp your foot
...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns and you don’t eat sweets ...your toilet seat is leather. ...you have a list by the phone for the baby-sitter.... Hospital, Family, and three 24-hour locksmiths
...you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and work with leather!
...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs, body cavity search, humiliation scene and time in the cage.
...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.
Beating Johnny
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling.”
The father asked how and she said, “He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.”
“DAMN!” said the father. “What’s wrong?” the teacher asked.
Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher’s butt before the day was over!”
Gettin Audited
A woman walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the fact that they are about to be audited during the coming month.
The first guy says with a groan, “I’m screwed!” I’m screwed, too!” says the other guy, slapping his forehead.
“Guys, I am about to be screwed beyond all recognition by this audit!” exclaims the third guy in anguish. Just then, one of the guys notices the woman who has been standing there listening. She now has a very thoughtful look on her face. “Are you OK?” asks the guy. “Yes,” replies the woman, “but I was wondering.
How do I go about getting audited?”
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two “wolves” inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.“The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grand son thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?
”The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Trev's Funny One Liners
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set!
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
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