Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
April 15th 2007 01:14
Apples & Grapes
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are atthe top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones becausethey are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimestake the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong withthem, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait forthe right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb allthe way to the top of the tree.
Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin asgrapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turninto something acceptable enough to have dinner with. Share this with all the good apples you know.
No Toilet Paper!
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was>lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."
TWO LITTLE BOYS
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in discipline children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the
preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him
sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide eyed and his mouth
hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed,
"Where is God?" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy," you might live in Wisconsin.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Wisconsin.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett," you might live in Wisconsin.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie & Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Wisconsin.
If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters,....you might live in Wisconsin. YOU KNOW
YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.
7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings and funerals ).
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You refer to the Packers as "we."
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.
19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.
20. You know how to polka.
21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
23. Down South to you means Illinois.
24. A brat is something you eat.
25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
26. You go out to fish fry every Friday
27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."
Tiger Woods & an Irishman
Taking a break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new BMW into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "top o' the morning to ya."
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things my son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what might ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "those fellas working for BMW think of everything!"
F word
There are only eleven times in history when the "F" word hasbeen considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:11. "What the F#$% do you mean,we are sinking?"-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10 . "What the F#$% was that?"-- Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
9. "Where did all those F#$%ing Indians come from?"-- Custer, 1877
8. "Any F#$%ing idiotcould understand that."-- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so F#$%ing look like her!"-- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the F#$k did you work that out?"-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the F#$%ing ceiling?"-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the F#$% are we?"-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered F#$%ing showers,my ass!"-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the F#$% is going to find out?"-- Bill Clinton, 1998
A drum roll please.......
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this F%#*^ing mad."-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK!
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
Git-R-Dun
> Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?
> Yes. What can I do for you?
> I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith . He's hidin' marijuana inside
> his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiddin' it
> there.
> Thank you very much for the call, sir.
> The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's home. They search the shed
> where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find
> no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
> Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
> Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd . did the Sheriff come?
> Yeah!
> Did they chop your firewood?
> Yep!
> Happy Birthday, buddy!
>
Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun!)Trev's Funny Oneliners
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
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