Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
April 8th 2007 01:11
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Turns out Rudy Giuliani's wife forgot one marriage. Originally, she said she was married twice before. Now it turns out she was actually married three times. But she said she never talks about the first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno
"The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. ... Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the president [on screen: Hagel criticizing Bush and saying the U.S. is not a monarchy]. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert
"According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno
"Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher
"In his new tell-all book, Republican former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married to. You know what the Republicans call a guy like that? A Democrat." --Jay Leno
"I give credit where credit is due. Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher
"According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. ... If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy." --Jay Leno
Albanian Manufacturers
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...- You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
- You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
- You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
- You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
- You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
You Know You're a Tech Geek When...
- When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
- When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
- When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D. ..".
- When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
- When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
- When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
Two Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Quips from Late Night TV
"It's March Madness. I know people go crazy for this. ... It's the time of year when college basketball teams are eliminated faster than U.S. attorneys." --Bill Maher
"In a stunning new poll in Time magazine, Hillary Clinton's lead has dropped from 19 points over Barack Obama to just seven points. She's now blaming it on a vast left-wing conspiracy." --Jay Leno
"According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers
"There's a new book coming out about Bill Clinton ... and it says Bill Clinton has had a number of one-night stands in Ireland, France, Taiwan, Rio and London. He flies overseas to have sex. That shows how times have changed. Remember the old days? He didn't even have to leave his desk." --Jay Leno
"Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler
"The big rumor is that Newt Gingrich may run for president. Newt Gingrich has the best reason to stay out of the Mid East -- he knows they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno
The Funeral
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front.
He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead."
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.
"Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."
You might be from Wisconsin if...
You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
You refer to the Packers as "we".
At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm.
You can make sense out of the words "UPNORT" and "BATREE".
Your have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
You can identify a Michigan accent.
You know what "cow-tipping" is.
You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.
"Down south" to you means Chicago.
Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee.
The "big three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee and PBR.
A brat is something that you eat.
You have no problems spelling "Milwaukee".
You consider Madison "exotic".
You got a passport to go to Minnesota.
Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers.
You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of PBR.
You've seen a hodag.
You used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday.
You know that Gotham is a real city.
You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc and Menomonie.
You know what a bubbler is.
The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
Your Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
You go out for fish fry every Friday.
You go to work in a snowsuit every morning and return home wearing shorts.
When you tell someone where you are from they say: "I thought that was part of Canada".
Bernie Brewer is your idol because he gets to dive into a giant beer mug.
Your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring, the 4th of July and Fall.
You know how to polka and like it.
Your idea of diversity is having black, brown and white cows.
You drink "soda" and refer to your father as "pop".
Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a BLACK baseball cap.
You tried to tap the "Worlds Largest Six Pack".
Your children describe their summer vacation our of state as a "trip to Door County".
You are unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
You go to Florida to get a tan in August.
You caught a fish in Lake Michigan that glowed in the dark.
You define the swimming season as "Labor Day Weekend".
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You know where the city of Waunaukee is AND can pronounce it.
You can visit Luxemborg, Holland, Balgium, Denmark and Poland all in the same afternoon.
You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.
You actually know what Schaeffer's Beer is and you like it.
You know what Euchre and Sheepshead are.
You have been involved in a "drive-by hay bailing".
Two words: "Leinenkugels Beer".
Your refer to stop lights as "stop & go lights".
It's 50F degrees out and your wearing a tee shirt?
If the kids can't find the Easter eggs because it snowed 6 inches, then you must be in Wisconsin!
Trev's Funny One Liners
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
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