Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
March 25th 2007 00:44
A thing of Beauty
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. " That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Gone Drinking
A man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Husbands Dead
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door and knocks; "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." " I must, Brenda.
Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.
Husbands Gone
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" " She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
No TP
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Deep Thoughts
For Those Who Might Take Life Too Seriously:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like......night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
6. Depression is like anger without enthusiasm.
7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
8. Support bacteria..........they're the only culture some people have.
9. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
10 Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
11. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
12. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? OK, then raise my hand.
13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
18. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
19. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
20. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
21. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
22. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow
Healthcare Today
Two patients limp into two different American medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, has a time booked for surgery the next day and, within two days, is home recuperating.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golde n Retriever. The second is a Senior Citizen.
The Dalmatian
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Signs That You Are Cheap
1. You attend a weekly coupon club.
2. You've been driving on the spare tire for over three months.
3. Fast food is your idea of fine dining.
4. You spend more time counting change during a single week than you spend at church.
5. You're outraged when the price of a can of soda goes up a nickel.
6. You haven't purchased a name brand product in the past ten years.
7. You take the pennies from the container next to the cash register.
8. Your family gets presents a week after Christmas because you love that fifty-percent discount.
9. Matinee. Every time.
10. You code all your own software rather than buy it.
$1,000 Bet
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass." The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
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