Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
December 9th 2007 02:03
Remember this at Christmas Time ...
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year. Male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers
till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,
EVERY single one of them from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a GIRL!!
Should've known ...
Only a WOMAN would be able to drag a fat-assed man in a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night AND not get lost!!!
A priest at the preschool
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”
“Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it it's near me, it's mine.
10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.
Locked Car
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
Multiple Lives
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Dusty Housekeeping
My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."
Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate."
A System of Taps
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
Funny Signs
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
Ungracious Lawyer
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
Ghost Indian
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window.
"Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!"
Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window.
The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour.
"Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window.
The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour.
Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window.
"You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there."
"I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour.
About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did.
"Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"
A motorway walks into a pub one day...
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
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