Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
November 24th 2007 01:08
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably
wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for
coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos
totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem mad in the least. Whew, I got away with
that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'Oh! crap' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
Turkey Recipe
Here is a Turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it as perfect for people like me, who just aren't sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
Give this recipe a try... just in time for the holiday season!
BAKED STUFFED TURKEY
10-20 lb. baking turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good, or make your own)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Salt, pepper, season to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, pepper and seasonings.
Fill cavity with stuffing and unpopped popcorn.
Place turkey in baking pan, with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen carefully for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the turkey flies across the room, it's done.
And you thought I couldn't cook!
Bubba
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything
together. Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the
sheet, Darryl said, "yup, his face is burned up pretty bad, you better
roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Darryl said, "nope,
that ain't Bubba". The mortician thought this was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer looked at the
body and said "yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over" The
mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "no, that ain't Bubba". The
mortician asked, "how can you tell?" Gomer said,
"Well, Bubba had two assholes." What? He had two assholes? asked
the mortician
"Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes".
Everytime we went to town, folks would say, "here comes Bubba with
them two assholes!"
And Christmas Begins...
Creative ways to deal with telemarketers
- Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.
- Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
- Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
- Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
- Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.
- Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
- Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"
- Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...
- Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Career Change
When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't.
Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
Embarrassing Traffic Stop
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.
Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.
"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
Tomatoes
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
A Texas millionaire
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.
A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."
"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left.
The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.
"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"
Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
Montana Dumb Laws
- It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
- It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
- Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.
- In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
- It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
- Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
- Helena: No item may be thrown across a street.
- Helena: A woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
- Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.
- Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
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