Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
February 11th 2007 01:04
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Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi!
My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that myhusband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Butinstead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that Istarted running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet andchecked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, andfinally I became so exhausted, I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.
"HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS.
Check out the 25 below zero line!
60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Wisconsin plant gardens.
50 above zero:Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Superior sunbathe.
40 above zero:Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.
32 above zero
istilled water freezes.The water in Hayward gets thicker.
20 above zero:Floridians don coats, thermalunderwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.
Zero: People in Miami all die.
People in Wisconsin close the windows.
10 below zero:Californians fly away to Mexico
People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats.
25 below zero:Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero:Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.
460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Wisconsin start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"
500 below zero:Hell freezes over.
Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late & the Packers win the Superbowl!
T-Shirt Slogans
"I childproofed my house, but they still get in."
"On the front - 60 is not old. On the back - If you're a tree."
"I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes."
"My reality check just bounced."
"I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax."
"Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car."
"I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are."
"It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans."
"Keep staring....I may do a trick."
"We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic."
"My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone."
"Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate."
"Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture."
"Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral."
"In God we trust. All others we polygraph."
FUN FACTS
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat hiswife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered intothe English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred andWilma Flintstone.-
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. In any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history
pades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius CaesarIf a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the persondied as a result of wounds received in battle . If the horse has all four legson the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, JohnHancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, butthe last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boatname requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until youwould find the letter "A"?A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laserprinters all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmerto sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month afterthe wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead hecould drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based,this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, whencustomers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints andquarts, and settle down."It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim,or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used thewhistleto get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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