Trevor WholohanWeekend Funnys
February 3rd 2007 02:10
TreasureTrooper.com/126704
The Perfect Job
- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
- After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
- Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
- Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
- I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
- I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
- Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
- So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
- After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
- I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
- My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
- I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
- My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Brain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.' The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?' The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
Dark Suckers
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere.
The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
Food, Family, and Philosophy
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
Recent Quips from Late Night
"During an interview with '60 Minutes' on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, 'We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.' Said the Iraqi people, 'We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.'" --Amy Poehler
"In an interview with 'Fox News Sunday,' Vice President Dick Cheney commented on Congress' efforts to stop additional troops from being sent to Iraq, saying, 'You cannot run a war by committee. You run a war by a monkey, a map, and some darts.'" --Seth Meyers
"The Reverend Jesse Jackson told CNN that he's planning to endorse Barack Obama for president. Experts say this is a risky move for Jackson, because hardly anything rhymes with 'Barack Obama.'" --Conan O'Brien
"In her first press conference after her trip overseas, Hillary Clinton said she thinks we may need to send more men to Afghanistan. The men she wants to send? John Edwards and Barack Obama." --Jay Leno
"Muslim groups are concerned that the new season of '24,' which features Muslim terrorists setting off a nuclear explosive near Los Angeles, will foster hate against them and create a climate of Islamophobia. Also creating a climate of Islamophobia -- terrorism." --Seth Meyers
"In Cambodia, a woman was found who lived alone in the jungle for 20 years and who speaks an unintelligible language. They don't know what she's saying. Experts are predicting she will soon move to America and become the next governor of California." --Conan O'Brien
"In the Scooter Libby trial, the defense is looking for people for the jury who trust Dick Cheney. Unfortunately, most of the people who trust Dick Cheney have also been indicted." --Jay Leno
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