Trevor WholohanSunday Funnys
January 21st 2007 02:39
For more info on how to make money go to www.treasuretrooper.com/126704
For more info go to www.Supermantag.org or www.christopherreeve.org
Signs Technology Took Over Your Life
- Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.
- You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
- You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.
- You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
- You disdain people who use low baud rates.
- When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
- You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
- You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The president now says the government has the right to open anyone's mail at any time without a warrant. How crazy is that? President Bush finally decided he wants to read something and it's our mail. How about those memos on your desk?" --Jay Leno
"How about that Saddam Hussein? It just goes to show you that if you kill people by the hundreds of thousands, pretty soon it's going to catch up to you." --David Letterman
"President Bush announced that his nominee for U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations is a state department official named Zalmay Khalilzad. Or, as President Bush calls him, 'Hey Buddy.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Presidential experts say Hillary Clinton will soon form a presidential exploratory committee. Actually, that's not new. She's formed presidential exploratory committees before ... when trying to find her husband." --Jay Leno
"The United States Army is lowering its standards for education and DUI arrests. It's to recruit others, but let's just say they filled the job with the commander-in-chief." --David Letterman
"After being sworn in for his ninth term, 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd shouted, 'Praise Jesus'. In response, Jesus said, 'See you in about twenty minutes.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It's been an even worse week for another guy with a mustache. Saddam Hussein is now roasting comfortable in hell. That, or he's in baby oil wrestling a pile of 72 virgins. I guess it depends on who you believe." --Jimmy Kimmel
Old Dude
Our neighbor,Richard loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." Richard looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." Richard looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. Richard said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." Richard looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, Picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." Richard opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
FBI Training
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the backgroundchecks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metaldoor and handed him a gun."We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what thecircumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in achair. Kill Her!!!"
"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife".The agent said, "Then you 're not the right man for this job.Take your wife and go home."The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun andwent into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came outwith tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.
"The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and therestood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said."I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Fun reading
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine ... no adult is this creative!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied shewas so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don'tremember you must look at the tag in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you somuch, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried invain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Momexplained it was a child proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it'sme?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "it makes my teeth cough." D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do Icost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. "Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, ratherwrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
THE SERMON I think this mom will never forget this particular Sundaysermon. "Dear Lord," the minister began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his up turned face, "without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
For more info go to www.Supermantag.org or www.christopherreeve.org
Signs Technology Took Over Your Life
- Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.
- You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
- You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.
- You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
- You disdain people who use low baud rates.
- When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
- You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
- You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The president now says the government has the right to open anyone's mail at any time without a warrant. How crazy is that? President Bush finally decided he wants to read something and it's our mail. How about those memos on your desk?" --Jay Leno
"How about that Saddam Hussein? It just goes to show you that if you kill people by the hundreds of thousands, pretty soon it's going to catch up to you." --David Letterman
"President Bush announced that his nominee for U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations is a state department official named Zalmay Khalilzad. Or, as President Bush calls him, 'Hey Buddy.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Presidential experts say Hillary Clinton will soon form a presidential exploratory committee. Actually, that's not new. She's formed presidential exploratory committees before ... when trying to find her husband." --Jay Leno
"The United States Army is lowering its standards for education and DUI arrests. It's to recruit others, but let's just say they filled the job with the commander-in-chief." --David Letterman
"After being sworn in for his ninth term, 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd shouted, 'Praise Jesus'. In response, Jesus said, 'See you in about twenty minutes.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It's been an even worse week for another guy with a mustache. Saddam Hussein is now roasting comfortable in hell. That, or he's in baby oil wrestling a pile of 72 virgins. I guess it depends on who you believe." --Jimmy Kimmel
Old Dude
Our neighbor,Richard loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." Richard looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." Richard looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. Richard said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." Richard looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, Picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." Richard opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
FBI Training
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the backgroundchecks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metaldoor and handed him a gun."We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what thecircumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in achair. Kill Her!!!"
"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife".The agent said, "Then you 're not the right man for this job.Take your wife and go home."The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun andwent into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came outwith tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.
"The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and therestood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said."I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Fun reading
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine ... no adult is this creative!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied shewas so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don'tremember you must look at the tag in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you somuch, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried invain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Momexplained it was a child proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it'sme?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "it makes my teeth cough." D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do Icost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. "Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, ratherwrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
THE SERMON I think this mom will never forget this particular Sundaysermon. "Dear Lord," the minister began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his up turned face, "without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
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