Trevor WholohanA Day in History & Jokes January 6th
January 6th 2007 15:26
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1759 - George Washington married widow Martha Dandridge Custis.
1838 - in Morristown, N.J., Samuel F.B. Morse and his partner, Alfred Vail, publicly demonstrated their new invention, the telegraph, for the first time.
1912 - New Mexico joined the United States as the 47th state.
1919 - Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president of the United States, died at the age of 60.
1925 - Paavo Nurmi, known as the "Flying Finn" and regarded as the greatest runner of his day, set world records in the mile and 5,000-meter run within the space of one hour in his first U.S. appearance, an indoor meet at New York City's new Madison Square Garden.
1942 - a Pan American Airways plane arrived in New York to complete the first around-the-world flight by a commercial airliner.
1950 - Britain formally recognized the communist government of China.
1984 - the first test-tube quadruplets, all boys, were born in Melbourne, Australia.
1984 - the 100th Congress convened with Democrats controlling both Senate and House for the first time under the Reagan administration.
1993 - dancer and choreographer Rudolf Nureyev died at age 54 of cardiac complications; his doctor later confirmed Nureyev had AIDS.
1993 - jazz trumpeter Dizzy Gillespie died of cancer at age 75.
1993 - it was announced that Japan's Crown Prince Naruhito would marry a 29-year-old Foreign Ministry official, a commoner, in June.
1994 - U.S. figure skater Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed on the right knee by a man who then fled. The attack, which forced Kerrigan to withdraw from the U.S. Figure Skating Championship, was traced to four men with links to her leading rival, Tonya Harding.
1998 - some 300 people were reported to have been massacred in the past several days in Algeria's bloody civil war.
1999 - an agreement ended the six-month player lockout by owners of National Basketball Association teams. The labor dispute had threatened to wipe out the 1998-99 season.
2004 - U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell admitted mistakes were made in the war on terror but he said actions were taken for the right reasons -- to ensure the spread of freedom and democracy.
2004 - a London newspaper said Princess Diana claimed in a letter written 10 months before her 1997 death that Prince Charles was plotting to kill her.
2005 - allegations of prisoner abuse at the Guantanamo Bay detention center topped the agenda of a new investigation announced by the Pentagon.
2005 - a Texas appeals court overturned the murder conviction of Andrea Yates, the Houston-area woman who drowned her five children in their bathtub. The court, which ordered a new trial, cited judicial error.
Weekend Jokes
Smart Dog
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best ground beef. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?" Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket. The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog. "Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher. "He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."
Late Night Quips
Today at the White House, President Bush signed a deal that would send nuclear fuel to India. When asked about the Indian deal, President Bush said it's the least we can do after stealing your land." --Conan O'Brien
"There might be a few similarities between Iraq and Vietnam. For one thing, both wars prove that John Kerry is a coward. But there is a difference. ... Vietnam's anti-war movement was so unbearably strident that many Americans hated hippies even more than they hated the war. The result? They became Republicans." --Stephen Colbert
"This California company that was charged to build this stupid fence along the border of Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. ... Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they have ever seen." --Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton was asked about President Bush and she said, 'I'm not going to believe this president again.' Yeah, Hillary said, to be fair, I stopped believing presidents ten years ago. Apparently she had a bad experience." --Conan O'Brien
Veterinary Clinic
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion." The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone"). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone"). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!" The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."
My Father Wouldn't Like It
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man, "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister replied, "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the hay."
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1759 - George Washington married widow Martha Dandridge Custis.
1838 - in Morristown, N.J., Samuel F.B. Morse and his partner, Alfred Vail, publicly demonstrated their new invention, the telegraph, for the first time.
1912 - New Mexico joined the United States as the 47th state.
1919 - Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president of the United States, died at the age of 60.
1925 - Paavo Nurmi, known as the "Flying Finn" and regarded as the greatest runner of his day, set world records in the mile and 5,000-meter run within the space of one hour in his first U.S. appearance, an indoor meet at New York City's new Madison Square Garden.
1942 - a Pan American Airways plane arrived in New York to complete the first around-the-world flight by a commercial airliner.
1950 - Britain formally recognized the communist government of China.
1984 - the first test-tube quadruplets, all boys, were born in Melbourne, Australia.
1984 - the 100th Congress convened with Democrats controlling both Senate and House for the first time under the Reagan administration.
1993 - dancer and choreographer Rudolf Nureyev died at age 54 of cardiac complications; his doctor later confirmed Nureyev had AIDS.
1993 - jazz trumpeter Dizzy Gillespie died of cancer at age 75.
1993 - it was announced that Japan's Crown Prince Naruhito would marry a 29-year-old Foreign Ministry official, a commoner, in June.
1994 - U.S. figure skater Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed on the right knee by a man who then fled. The attack, which forced Kerrigan to withdraw from the U.S. Figure Skating Championship, was traced to four men with links to her leading rival, Tonya Harding.
1998 - some 300 people were reported to have been massacred in the past several days in Algeria's bloody civil war.
1999 - an agreement ended the six-month player lockout by owners of National Basketball Association teams. The labor dispute had threatened to wipe out the 1998-99 season.
2004 - U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell admitted mistakes were made in the war on terror but he said actions were taken for the right reasons -- to ensure the spread of freedom and democracy.
2004 - a London newspaper said Princess Diana claimed in a letter written 10 months before her 1997 death that Prince Charles was plotting to kill her.
2005 - allegations of prisoner abuse at the Guantanamo Bay detention center topped the agenda of a new investigation announced by the Pentagon.
2005 - a Texas appeals court overturned the murder conviction of Andrea Yates, the Houston-area woman who drowned her five children in their bathtub. The court, which ordered a new trial, cited judicial error.
Weekend Jokes
Smart Dog
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best ground beef. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?" Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket. The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog. "Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher. "He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."
Late Night Quips
Today at the White House, President Bush signed a deal that would send nuclear fuel to India. When asked about the Indian deal, President Bush said it's the least we can do after stealing your land." --Conan O'Brien
"There might be a few similarities between Iraq and Vietnam. For one thing, both wars prove that John Kerry is a coward. But there is a difference. ... Vietnam's anti-war movement was so unbearably strident that many Americans hated hippies even more than they hated the war. The result? They became Republicans." --Stephen Colbert
"This California company that was charged to build this stupid fence along the border of Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. ... Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they have ever seen." --Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton was asked about President Bush and she said, 'I'm not going to believe this president again.' Yeah, Hillary said, to be fair, I stopped believing presidents ten years ago. Apparently she had a bad experience." --Conan O'Brien
Veterinary Clinic
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion." The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone"). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone"). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!" The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."
My Father Wouldn't Like It
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man, "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister replied, "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the hay."
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