Trevor WholohanA Day in History
November 26th 2006 01:17
Sunday Funny's
[B]Well now, you see it's like this.... [/B]
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.
In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....
So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.
The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.
If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?
Kiss Per Yard Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Navy Officer Cutting Through A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.
"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded.
"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."
Space Monkeys NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.
As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!" At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
Temperence Lecture Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner.
The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom. The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll never have worms!"
Little League Conference Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a Little League game for a conference.
"See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir," replied Larry.
"Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please try to explain it to your mother?"
Juan the Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
"Bicycles," Juan says.
Speeding A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.
An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.
"How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
[B]Well now, you see it's like this.... [/B]
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.
In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....
The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.
If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?
Kiss Per Yard Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Navy Officer Cutting Through A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.
"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."
Space Monkeys NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.
As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!" At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
Temperence Lecture Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner.
The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom. The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll never have worms!"
Little League Conference Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a Little League game for a conference.
"See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir," replied Larry.
"Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please try to explain it to your mother?"
Juan the Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
"Bicycles," Juan says.
Speeding A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.
An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.
"How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
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