Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
August 12th 2007 01:23
Lawyers and computers
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
Christmas Story
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
Bad Leg
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
6th Grade History
Examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests:
1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.
2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklinnwere to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Those who don't know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.
Those who don't know are also in two groups.
One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
Tree Fellers Wanted
Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted."
One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job."
Two lawyers were negotiating a case ...
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
“Look,” said one to the other, “let's be honest with each other.”
“Okay, you first,” replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
CIA Job
A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
Marriage
- It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She's not marrying the best man.
- They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.
- He believes that marriage and a career don't mix. So after the wedding, he plans to quit his job.
- After the wedding ceremony was over, a little girl asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."
- They had a dispute about a night out with the boys. But, he finally decided to let her go.
- He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
Young and Foolish
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
Optical Charges
The proprietor of a successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer.
"After you have fitted the customer's glasses," he said, "and he asks you what the charge will be, you say, '$10.' Then see if he winces."
"If the customer doesn't wince you say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be another $10.'"
"If he still doesn't wince you say firmly, 'Each.'"
Chicken Jokes
Question: Why did the chicken lay an egg?
Answer: Because it would break if she dropped it!
Question: Where did the chicken go on her vacation?
Answer: Sandy Eggo
Question: Why did the egg cross the street?
Answer: To get to the shell station.
Question: Why did the chicken lay her eggs on a axe?
Answer: She wanted to hachet
Question: What do you call a egg who’s done lots of things?
Answer: An egg who has a lot of eggsperience.
Question: Where do you find information about eggs?
Answer: In the hen-cyclopedia
Question: Why is the chef so mean?
Answer: She beats the eggs!
Question: Did you hear the one about the egg?
Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be!
Question: How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
Answer: By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
Question: What does mummy hen call her baby?
Answer: Eggs-tra special
Question: Why did the egg not draw a straight line?
Answer: His ideas were scrambled
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