Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
July 28th 2007 00:00
Coincidence????
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March, 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep. I hope this information clears up a lot of this.
The Third Biggest Lie
Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:
- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."
- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."
- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."
- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
- "You don't look a day over 40."
- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."
- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."
- "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."
- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."
- "Your hair looks just fine."
- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."
- "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."
The Good Old Days
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.
"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."
Misstep
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child.
My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
Correction
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog."
The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.
The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
Saint Peter & the musician
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"
Laundry
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
The Score
When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead whose bridge was under water.
"We have a serious beaver problem," our friend said. "They build dams that cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the beavers rebuild them."
As we got closer, we could see a large scoreboard posted by the bridge.
It read: BEAVERS 3 RANGERS 0
Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles
7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters
5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day
4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"
3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center
2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island
1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"
Say, why did the foreman fire you?
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
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