Trevor WholohanMemorial Day Jokes & Funny Pictures
May 28th 2007 01:22
Strange Tales From Wisconsin
The quirky news of the year also included tales of the graffiti artist charged with tagging his own jail cell, a man who changed his name to Andy Griffith to run for sheriff and a hunter who bagged a 7 legged deer -- by hitting it with his pickup truck.
Then there were the doorknob burglar and food bandits who thought really big, taking a semitrailer load of beef, a truckload of beer and a smorgasbord of delectables from a cheese factory. The animal news of the year started with Mary Poppins the pet cat that Jany Chumas couldn't find after a basement remodeling project at her Eau Claire home.
Days later, Chumas and her daughter searched the basement.
"I called her -- 'Here, kitty, kitty' -- and I could hear this faint, weak meow coming from behind the walls where they had just drywalled," Chumas said.
Then Sir Charles Nugget wandered away from Georgia truck driver John Withers when he was in the Oconto County community of Lena. Withers couldn't find his dog and finally had to leave, but told authorities to call him if Nugget turned up.
Last March, after eight months, he got the call and drove back from Georgia for the dog that was hanging around but no one could catch. Withers and his other dog, Moose Edward, coaxed Nugget from under a parked truck.
"I didn't cry, but I was very, very happy," Withers said. Local residents had left food out for the dog, which seemed fine except for an extra-shaggy coat.
On a patriotic note, squirrels at Eau Claire's Forest Hill Cemetery had an affinity for the U.S. flag. Workers thought youngsters were stealing dozens of flags -- until they found a squirrel's nest with distinctive shades of red, white and blue. "I was mowing, looked up out into the distance, and something caught my eye," groundskeeper Dave Ender said. "Lo and behold, I found the missing flags." They were ripped and serving as the foundation of a giant nest.
Bow hunter Rick Lisko admits the deer he bagged in his driveway in the Fond du Lac County town of Osceola was "definitely a freak of nature."
The young buck that he hit with his truck had 3- to 4-inch appendages -- almost like little legs -- growing from each rear leg and a smaller one growing from one front leg.
It quickly earned fame as “The 7 Legged Deer”
"And by the way, I did eat it," Lisko said. "It was tasty."
Food seemed to figure as never before in crime news.
In Waukesha, authorities recovered a stolen semitrailer, but its 8,000-pound load of frozen food, mostly poultry, was gone. Likewise, a semitrailer stolen in Richfield was found four days later at Oak Creek, but its load of nearly $26,000 in beer had disappeared.
At the Dupont Cheese Factory at Marion in Waupaca County, burglars made off with nearly 350 pounds of meat, more than 100 pounds of cheese and a dozen cases of beer.
In other odd crime news, a doorknob-obsessed burglar in Port Washington got a three-year prison term for taking dozens of them from construction sites. The criminal complaint quoted him as saying he also took other items "so that it would look like a typical burglary rather than someone just stealing doorknobs."
At the Milwaukee County House of Correction, the graffiti turning up on walls, beds, tables and mirrors in six cell blocks was all too familiar. A 20-year-old man already awaiting sentencing for graffiti violations was charged with the damage.
"I don't think there will be a lot of investigation needed," a judge deadpanned.
In Menomonie, a 25-year-old man got a year in jail for burglary involving stolen panties -- just three years after his conviction in the theft of 854 pairs of women's underwear.
It wasn't a crime but a break-in in Antigo trapped 3-year-old Robert Moore in a vending machine after he tried unsuccessfully to fish out a stuffed replica of Sponge Bob with a plastic crane.
Refusing to give up, Robert took off his coat and squeezed through an opening in the machine, landing in the stuffed animal cube. Eventually, he freed himself with the help of the fire department. Robert went home safe -- but without a stuffed Sponge Bob.
In politics, a Platteville music store co-owner put his own spin on a run for Grant County sheriff. William Fenrick changed his name to that of actor Andy Griffith who starred as the fictional Sheriff Andy Taylor on TV's "Andy Griffith Show" in the 1960s. He lost -- and got sued by the other Griffith.
And what story had more mileage than the million-mile Saab?
Traveling salesman Peter Gilbert of Glendale put more than 1 million miles on his 1989 Saab 900 SPG before deciding to replace it. Executives of the Swedish automaker, now owned by General Motors, verified the mileage last summer.
Gilbert donated the car to a local auto museum and bought a used Saab, telling an interviewer he was a little disappointed the car company hadn't given him so much as a T-shirt.
Once Gilbert's story was told in news media throughout the world, the company provided him with a new, $38,735 Saab 9-5 Aero and offered one to anyone who put 1 million miles on a Saab as the original owner.
"I am on cloud nine right now," Gilbert said. "This is exactly the car I wanted."
Ski Trip
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.
After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
Silent Wife
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
Pet Shop Monkeys
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C , even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."
A German Farmer
A German farmer with relatives in the US promised them some fresh pork sausages made by hand from his very own stock of pigs.
But as the weeks went by, they gave him a call to complain that the package had not yet arrived.
He told them, "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come."
Exchange
The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a large bag. "My mother likes this outfit -- may I exchange it?"
The Blind Man
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
The Dying Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.
Speeding Blonde
A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway.
Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "Pullover!".
The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "No, it's a scarf!".
Aches and Pains
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
Little Tim's Goldfish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."
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