Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
September 30th 2007 01:23
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately, it wasn't too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry
about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I canno t wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called!
Proud to be from Wisconsin!
The United States is the land of my birth
The strongest and wealthiest country on earth.
Wisconsin's the pick of the 50 today.
I like Virginia, Montana and Maine.
But it's here in Wisconsin I proudly remain.
With walleyes and fish fries and hot apple pie
And the Badgerland motto:
Eat Cheese or Die
We've got forests and prairies
Breweries and dairies
Skiing on water and skiing on snow
From Big Bend to Bayfield
Potosi to Plainfield
The lucky ones live in Wisconsin.
Arizona's too dry,
Colorado's too high
In Alaska you'll freeze
and in Georgia you'll fry.
Hawaii's so distant
it's barely existent,
California is crumbling;
let's all wave good-bye.
Nevada's too empty,
the deserts don't tempt me
In Kansas a forest is just one lonesome tree.
New York is an anthill,
a flesh-and-blood landfill,
And too many lawyers run loose in DC.
We've got silos and steeples
And down-to-earth people.
Holsteins aplenty and Guernseys galore.
From Lone Rock to Lena,
New Glarus to Neenah,
The lucky ones live in Wisconsin
Minnesota and Michigan,
they're both our special friends.
We get along fine with the people next door.
Illinois on the other hand,
I couldn't recommend.
It's flat as a pancake and spoiled to the core.
The Flatlanders visit us year after year.
Clogging the highways and killing our deer.
They root for the White Sox,
they frighten our livestock.
We hide all the children whenever they're here.
We've got sweet corn and bratwurst
Chicago's a lot worse
Our cheddar is better,
our butter's the best.
From Monroe to Milwaukee,
Waupun to Wausaukee,
The lucky ones live in Wisconsin.
In Wisconsin there's no slackers,
Oh, and we've got the Packers.
Yes, from Kewaskum to Algoma,
Two Rivers to Tomah,
The lucky ones live in Wisconsin
Just a Little Help
A drunk man was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his buddy's. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of being left behind, the drunk called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens:
"All right, just half of you this time!"
Household Budget
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"
Emergency Room
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.
"What happened" asked the doctor.
"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man.
"She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron."
The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?"
"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."
Did she threaten to kill you?
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
The Navy Chief and his Parrot
The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.
First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”
The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”
The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”
Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.
About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!”
Recent Quips From Late Night
"How many saw the president's speech last night? He pre-empted regular programming, which is nice, because viewers tuning in to see 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader' for once got to feel they actually were. Yeah, he offered really no new strategy that I saw, but, of course, a new slogan: 'Return on Success.' Sounds like a Dr. Phil book." --Bill Maher
"President Bush addressed the nation last night on this troop situation in Iraq. He said the best method, he believes, is a limited pullout. I don't know. Guys? Guys, that ever work for you? A limited pullout?" --Jay Leno
"Last night, President Bush addressed the nation with a speech about Iraq. The speech aired on all three networks and was secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots." --Conan O'Brien
"Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her." --Bill Maher
"Did you know last night's presidential speech was the first one broadcast in Hi-Def? And again, I don't think President Bush quite understands what that means. If fact, when they told him it was Hi-Def, he said, 'Oh great. Does that mean we don't need that lady with the sign language up in the corner anymore?" --Jay Leno
"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to become more like him. I think they're taking his advice, too, because today, Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth." --Conan O'Brien
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