Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
June 22nd 2007 23:07
College Writing
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
She's new to football
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
Physical training job
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.
"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."
Clocks
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's my congressman's clock?" asked the man.
"It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan!"
Smart Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
Visiting a barber
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Did you see that?
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress." --Jay Leno
"Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama." --David Letterman
"By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here's my question: Who are the five people who voted for it?" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday at the G8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I believe the correct pronunciation is Abracadabra.'" --Conan O'Brien
"There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno
"There's a new rumor that Senator Hillary Clinton recently had some plastic surgery done. Friends of Hillary deny the rumor and say, 'Believe it or not, that's her natural forced smile.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The Democratic congressman from Louisiana, William Jefferson -- you know, the guy who was caught with $90,000 in his freezer -- has been indicted on 16 corruption charges. That's William Jefferson. Now don't confuse him with his wife, Weezy." --Jay Leno
"Undaunted by the protesters, the leaders focused on finding consensus over global warming. And by 'consensus,' we mean getting Bush to agree with the other seven." --Jon Stewart, on the G8 Summit
Vet vs Hubby
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and
hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and
took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he
would let us know when we c ould come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to
wash her,she stinks."
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted
the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet
'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one
another,with my husband getting in the last word on this particular
occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's
waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the
doctor
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my
husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
"Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and
shaved, so she now smells l ike a rose. Oh, and, by the way,
I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he
closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!!
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