Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
September 8th 2007 01:50
Little Mary
Little Mary was a bad student. Usually she slept through class. One
day while Little Mary was sleeping, the teacher called on her. "Mary,
who created the universe?" Little Mary didn't even stir. Little
with a pin. Little Mary jumped up and yelled "God Almighty!" to which
the teacher said "Very Good!". Little Mary fell back into slumber.
A little while later the teacher called on her again. "Mary, who is our
Lord and Savior?" Again, no movement from Little Mary. Again, Little
Johnny jabbed her with a pin. "Jesus Christ!" hollered Little Mary.
"Very Good!" replied the teacher.
Finally, one more time, the teacher called on Little Mary who was fast
asleep. "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after her twenty-third child
was born?" Once again, nothing from Little Mary. And again, Little
Johnny stuck her with the pin. At this point, Little Mary jumped up out
of her chair and said "Goddammit, if you stick that thing in me one more
time, I'm gonna break it in half!"
The Fireman & the Little Girl
A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Montana State Parks - Warning Notice
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied..
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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