Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
July 21st 2007 23:47
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
Stricter with the screening process
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.”
The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.”
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?”
The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .”
“Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”
More Predicting the Future
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
Ticket, Please!
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.
On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.
Dolly and the Queen
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are!"
One Way Trip to Mars
NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. Two millions dollars, the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
Caesar Salad Now Legal!
WASHINGTON, DC -- California decriminalized the sale of Caesar salad this week -- and it's not a moment too soon, the Libertarian Party said today.
"When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will eat Caesar salad," noted the party's Director of Communications, Bill Winter. "That's why, on the issue of Caesar salad, we Libertarians have always been pro-legalization."
Selling Caesar salad became a crime last year when California legislators passed a new health law banning the sale of food that used raw eggs as an ingredient. Unexpectedly, the law included Caesar salad, which uses uncooked eggs in its unique dressing.
Restaurant owners and fans of the popular salad were outraged. The outcry convinced state legislators to file a new bill to cancel the criminal status of Caesar salad -- and, presumably, end what might have become a flourishing black market in contraband romaine lettuce, raw eggs, and Parmesan cheese.
The bill, signed into law by Governor Pete Wilson on Monday, has Libertarians cheering -- but a little surprised.
"We have to compliment California legislators for their rare display of good sense," acknowledged Winter. "Although we're a bit surprised that they were courageous enough to toss the Caesar salad law entirely."
Libertarians had expected politicians to take a more timid, gradual approach, said Winter, perhaps...
* Implementing a five-day waiting period for Caesar salad, so the government could do a medical background check for raw-eggallergies.
* Legalizing only "medical Caesar salad" -- whereby people with a vitamin deficiency could get a doctor's permission to buy a small amount of Caesar salad for their own personal use.
* Launching an anti-Caesar salad TV advertising blitz, perhaps with a commercial showing a frying pan, and then showing a frying pan with a raw egg in it. The voice-over could be: "This is your brain. This is your brain on Caesar salad."
* Allowing only adults, 21 and over, the right to buy Caesar salad, on the grounds that it may be an adolescent's gateway-salad to stronger stuff, like macaroni salad or three-bean salad.
But Libertarians say they are delighted with the bold, unexpected victory over the "Just Say No to Caesar Salad" lobby -- and argue that it's a win for libertarianism and the American way of life.
"We support the Constitutional right of every American to keep and bear a Caesar salad -- or, rather, to eat and buy a Caesar salad," said Winter. "All joking aside, it's a setback for those political eggheads who think they have the right to micromanage every aspect of our lives -- down to the type of salad we buy in a restaurant. Hopefully, politicians will learn ... TO JUST LETTUCE ALONE."
First Ham
A young couple got married. When the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan.
Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know - it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her."
She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same."
They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."
Flower Switch
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site, and the owner read the card, which said, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
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