Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
September 1st 2007 00:46
THE POLITE WAY TO GO PEE
During one of her daily classes, a teacher was trying to
teach good manners, and asked her students the following
question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have
I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying,
"That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter,
how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really
need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's
better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain
for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom
I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....
>>For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage
or religion,but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has
recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a
convenience store a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving
technical advice
A Damn Checking Account
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller.
"I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies," I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank.
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?
Getting Old is No Fun
An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great.
But at your age tell me how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight.........so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off.
" WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims, "he's peeing in the refrigerator again !
Here's a little funny for parents:
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a
teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They
used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they
moved to
Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to
look
like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags
because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they
don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with
hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting In
it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak
out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing
every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The
ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot
luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his
retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then
I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
. .... PRICELESS......
Magic Beer
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
ATTENTION
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL
THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOUR ASS IS SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE
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