Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
June 9th 2007 21:26
The other day, it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables.
She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were."
"He didn't know what I was talking about, so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"
"And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"
Police News Headlines
- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
- Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
- Drunk gets nine months in violin case
- Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
- Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
- Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
- Stolen Painting Found By Tree
- Judge To Rule On Nude Beach
- Police Discover Crack In Australia
- Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives
- Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung
- Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Would you like me to help you upstairs?
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man."
"He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
An engineer & a frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Little Johnny's Numbers
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."
"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says little Johnny.
As We Get Older...
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, How many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well son there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breast are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you Cry!"
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies" are there?"
The Mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it like a Christmas tree."
A Christmas tree?
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
The Old Man and the Beaver
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a 24-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang'and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Reunion With High School Classmate
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story, which could be true....
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1964. Why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Dog Pet Peeves
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I am a dog you moron, what am I supposed to do?
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose damn walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
Better relationship
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Wedding Vows
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:
"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
DNA Tests
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!
Trev's Funny One Liners
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
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