Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
June 8th 2007 22:57
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."
"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he insists.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'"
The man spells, "V A N."
"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"
"OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate."
The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.
Sarge & the new recruits
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge.
A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities."
The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"
Life Lesson Laws for Engineers
Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.
Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.
Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't.
Law #12: Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Law #13: Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible.
Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Law #21: The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."
A Lawyer Named Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Last will & testament of a farmer
I LEAVE:
To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.
To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.
To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.
To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.
To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.
To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.
And lastly
To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "
The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Devotion
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said.
"What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Will the real bride please stand up!
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
Open the Can
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."
Retail Experience
Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role.
Rossi looks at Abe's resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before.
Rossi says to Abe, "What chutzpah, if you don't mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."
"Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."
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