Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
July 21st 2007 00:46
Wedding Vows
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.
She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!
"You even sent me a Professional!"
An Old Leaf
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
Requesting a three day pass
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
The Titanic Test
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
On the Windows CD
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. Too my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'
After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C652 07468656D20616C6C2C 204F6E65204F5320746F2066696E6 4207468656D2C0D0A4F 6E65204F5320746F206272696E672 07468656D20616C6C20 616E6420696E20746865206461726 B6E6573732062696E64 207468656D
'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said.
'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"
'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...."
Why do you want to join the Navy
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, Why do you want to join the Navy, son?
My father said it'd be a good idea, sir.
Oh? And what does your father do?
He's in the Army, sir.
The Bear
A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.
One summer he invited a lawyer from Czechoslovakia to visit him. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods.
"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
More Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
- The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
- Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
- You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
- If you have more toys than your kids
- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
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