Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
November 11th 2007 02:41
Signs That You are Too Drunk
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor..
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
I'm as sober as a judge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
The Grocery Bag Law
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Wedding Ceremony
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
I want to become a lawyer ...
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?”
“It's $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?”
“That's my business! Get me the course!”
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?”
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer..."
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?”
After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!”
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link.
When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”
First Prize
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet.
Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks.
Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?"
The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy.
His dog won first prize.
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
Behind Schedule
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project.
"At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do," says a programmer on the team.
"I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals."
PM's response? "I was told we were already behind schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
Kiddie Quickies
My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."
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Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"
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Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"
You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Packer Fan
A Chicago family of pro football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports store, the son picks up a Green Bay Packers jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Packer fan and I would like this for Christmas." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, "Go
talk with mom."
Off goes the little lad with the Green Bay Packer jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this jersey forChristmas." The mother is outraged, promptly whacks him on the head and says, "Go see your father."
Off he goes with the Green Bay Packer jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Packer fan, and Iwould like this jersey for Christmas". The father is so outraged he, too, whacks his son on the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half hour later they're all back in the car heading towards home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today." The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have." "Good, son. What is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Packer fan for an hour and I already hate you Illinois bastards
Photo
After a long night of making love,the guy notices a photo of another man,on the woman's nightstand by the bed.He begins to worry."Is this your husband?"he nervously asks."No, silly,"she replies, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend, then?"he continues."No, not at all,"she says, nibbling away at his ear."Is it your dad or your brother?"he inquires, hoping to be reassured."No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"she answers."Well, who in the hell is he, then?"he demands.She whispers in his ear"That's me before the surgery."
Elderly Couple
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.
Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage
might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship:
"How do you feel about sex?" the man asked, rather hopefully.
"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy thought for a moment then asked,
"Was that one word or two?"
Simple Home Remedies
1. When chocking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. To treat high blood pressure; simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and
going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use
the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct tape.
8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought: Some people are like Slinkies.
Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
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