Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
November 10th 2007 01:55
But that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch."
And remember that it's ALL COMPLETELY TRUE...
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Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Spooky.... isn't it?
Woman vs KFC
What does a woman and KFC have in common?
After you are done eating the breasts, legs, and thighs, all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.
They Are In The Shower
A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "No."
The salesman asked, "Why?"
"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."
Trust?
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to His house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business Trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse
And suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth Control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in
A fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I
Always knew she didn't trust me!"
Pickle Job
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... She got fired too."
Only a person in Wisconsin could think of this.
From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this
true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
Wisconsin, after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a
fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still
for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the sherriffs office. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud non-drinker. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Good Joke!
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was v ery small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
How to Detect a Mental Deficiency
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
Wife wanted
A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Kenny's Law of Auto Repair
The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
Ploughing at Night
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"
Little girl
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A little girl.
A little girl who?
A little girl who can't reach the doorbell!
Inseperable
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Pay up!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
12-mile march
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
“Men,” our sergeant yelled, “You're doing a FINE job. We've already covered four miles!”
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
“And,” continued Sarge, “we should reach the starting point any minute now.”
Recent Quips from Late Night
"FEMA is handling another disaster -- its own Public Relations department. ... This is unbelievable to me! FEMA has apologized for staging a fake news conference on the California wildfires. ... They had a fake news conference in which FEMA employees pretended to be reporters and asked softball questions to their idiot boss, a guy named Harvey Johnson. It was obvious the reporters were FEMA workers because the questions were about the 2003 fire." --Jay Leno
"Here's a true story. A buddy of mine from Washington called me. Aides told President Bush that he should congratulate the Red Sox. Poor guy, he's so confused that he went to the top drawer of his dresser." --David Letterman
"Earlier today, Argentina's first lady was elected as the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new 'first spouse.' Or, as President Bill Clinton calls him, 'My future wingman.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Former Yankee Alex Rodriguez is now a free agent. Some teams say they are willing to spend as much as $150 million to get him. $150 million! That's pretty amazing when you see the White House is only offering $50 million for Osama bin Laden." --Jay Leno
"We thought this day would never come, but guess what, ladies and gentlemen, he's at it again. Vice President Dick Cheney is pheasant hunting ... in Upstate New York today. The hunt went pretty well. Dick drove back to the hotel with a hunting buddy tied to his fender." --David Letterman
"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says that he once had an encounter with a UFO. Apparently, several weird looking, little men got off the ship, saw Kucinich, and said, 'It's alright. He's one of us.'" --Conan O'Brien
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