Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
September 22nd 2007 00:43
Eulogy of Seamus O'Malley
Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of 'em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.
Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."
"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"
"I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."
The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?"
"Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.
Next morning at the funeral, the priest begins the eulogy:
"Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother, Mike,...Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."
Computer Consultants
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working. His attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign advertising the concert said, 'begins@7:30PM'."
ALWAYS BE ALERT
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-K iller (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else Via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private Life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and takeTwo good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the Antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Ex tract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminati on-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Walmart has everything
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
The teacher wrote on the blackboard ...
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months," then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst in laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "Sorry, I was just thinking of my funeral. I'm a gynecologist."
The Alien's
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader"
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way!
Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that!
I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me!
How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, it's that when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"
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