Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
September 9th 2007 01:30
Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble - one prick all gone
Man who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
Man who farts in church sits in own pew
Crowded elevator smells different to midget
You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
- If you have more toys than your kids
- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
A mathematician and a physicist agree ...
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal."
The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.
The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling.
The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?"
The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
Talking Dog for Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
Little Johnny's new baby brother
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where'd we get him?”
His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”
Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA
Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silenc e)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...
15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
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