Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
December 30th 2007 02:02
Cheaper At The Doctors
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have inter-course," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
Tired Soldier
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Biting Back
One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.
Skunk In The Pants
A husband and wife are driving back from their holiday in France.
Near the border they knock over a skunk on the side of the road.
Alarmed, the wife runs out the car to see if the skunk is ok. It turns out that it is fine with no cuts or broken bones.
Relieved the wife asks her husband if they can keep the skunk as they almost had killed it.
No of course not says the husband but the wife, after some time, persuaded her husband to keep him.
As they reach the boarder to cross into England, the husband tells the wife to hide the skunk.
"But where will I put him" she yells.
"Hide him in your pants, no one will be able to tell there" he replies.
"But what about the smell."
"Well," the husbands pauses, "If it dies, it dies!"
Physiology Class
Monday morning in biology class and the professor was asking questions about the weekend's reading assignment. "Who can tell me what part of the human body expands to 10 times its normal size when excited or stimulated?"
He called on Stelle, an attractive coed who promptly blushed, saying, "I refuse to answer that question on account that I am a _lady_."
The professor then called on the class valedictorian who said, "That part of the body is the eye, ma'am."
The professor then said, "Stelle, I can tell two things by your answer. One, you didn't read your assignment. And two, you're going to be sorely disappointed on your wedding night!"
How Much For A Nibble?
A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"
Bad Day...
A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers. The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma." The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Good- night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy." The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair. He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"
I Want You To Take Off My...
A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!"
"Good.."
"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."
"Good..."
"Now can you take off my panties."
"Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"
It's Going to Be a Bad Day When...
- You wake up face down on the pavement.
- You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
- You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.
- Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
- You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
Green and Red
When do you stop at GREEN and go at RED?
When you're eating a watermelon!
Lots of Letters
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: A Post Office!
Too Much Television
Q: How do you know a kid who's watches too much TV?
A: You ask a five-year-old what sound a duck makes, and his answered "AFLAC!"
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