Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
December 29th 2007 02:35
Good&Bad
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Going The Distance
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times, " the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, " the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Only in America
- Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
- Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
- Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
- Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Lying Politician
A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.
"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe."
Annoying Other People
* Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING -batter!"
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of November.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
Third Child
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
Presidential Critter
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.
"My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman.
"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.
Busolad of Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn’t believe them."
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