Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
November 25th 2007 00:50
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service.
A Jury Full of Lawyers
A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
Tech Support
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.
All the other colors would print fine,which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?
Generation to Generation
"Mummy, Mummy!" called Little Johnny one day. "Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?"
"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"
"Well the last generation just dropped it."
Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each
year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might
live in Wisconsin.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",you
might live in Wisconsin.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Wisconsin.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett", you might live in Wisconsin.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonee& Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin.
If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters,....you might live in Wisconsin.
Series II. YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.
7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events. (including weddings and funerals )
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You refer to the Packers as "we."
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.
19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.
20. You know how to polka.
21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
23. Down South to you means Illinois.
24. A brat is something you eat.
25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
26. You go out to fish fry every Friday
27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."
30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Wisconsin friends.
35 Years
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
The Lord's Prayer
A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
Fractured Christmas Carols
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
- Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
- We three kings of porridge and tar
- On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
- Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
- He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
- Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
- With the jelly toast proclaim
How to deal with telemarketers
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
- If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
- If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
- Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
- Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
- If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
- After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
- Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
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A Word From The Wise
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