Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
November 18th 2007 16:31
The Colonel
A crusty old U. S. Air Force Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know you should lighten up a little -- relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well that's the hang-up -- you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his atter-of-fact voice, Oh, I don't know, it's only 2130 now."
Mommy's Resolutions
- When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd rather read."
- I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather.
- I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables.
- When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny.
- I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times.
- When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags.
- I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.
Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
Before You Meet With God
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"
"About two minutes ago," came the reply.
Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
Paycheck Raise
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
All Men Have One ...
I have one
Your husband will have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
A Pope doesn't use his one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Pakistanis usually have long ones
After your marriage your husband will give you his one?
Longer or shorter you have to take his one.
Are you afraid of taking a LONG one.
Do you want one?
How long do you want?
Which one is your preferred one?
Long one or short one
What you are thinking of?
Are you sure?
Its your Surname, what where you thinking of?
You Dirty mind!!!
The Verge
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"
Another child said, "The Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.
Judge's Announcement
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.
"The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.
"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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