Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
November 17th 2007 02:11
A wealthy lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
Female Bumper Stickers
- Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen!
- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!
- Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off!
- Out of estrogen, and I have a gun!
- Guys have feelings too but... who cares?
- Next mood swing: 6 minutes
Job Benefits
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
Thoughts To Change You Outlook
* A person who smiles in the face of adversity.....probably has a scapegoat.
* Plagiarism saves time.
* If at first you don't succeed, try management.
* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
* TEAMWORK.....means never having to take all the blame yourself.
* Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
* INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Psychic
I am not a believer in séances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear.
I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest...
I was arrested for striking a happy medium...
A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
Ladies Bumper Stickers
- So many men, so few who can afford me
- God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends
- If they don't have chocolate in Heaven, I ain't going!
- My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips
- Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog
- Coffee - Chocolate - Men... Some things are just better rich
Snort Sniff Honk Snort
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighbourhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
A Mother's Resolutions
- When I forget to go to the grocery store, I will not boil the macaroni necklaces my children made for me in preschool.
- When I hear one of my children wake in the middle of the night, I will run upstairs to supervise before he relieves himself in the sink and then creeps into the bathtub to return to sleep.
- I will pack the kids' lunch boxes the night before so I don't throw in a slab of frozen lasagna as they're running for the bus. "It'll defrost by lunch. If not, you can suck it like an ice pop."
- I will resist the urge to explain to strangers why my son is wearing winter boots, a bathing suit bottom, and an inside-out and backward pajama top. I will be grateful that he is able to dress himself.
- I will not tell my children that the Play-Doh dried up just because I don't feel like cleaning up after they use it, even though I know it means I'll spend the evening harvesting the colored stuff from the carpet fibers, chair cushions and the dog's fur.
- I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to remain silent.
-. I will learn to accept the outbursts and tantrums as a part of life. After all, I promised to love my husband for better or worse.
- When my husband and I go to a restaurant without the kids, I will not roll up his sleeves or move the knives from his reach. I will not accompany him to the bathroom and remind him to wash his hands with soap. If my husband wants dessert at the end of the meal, I will not tell him it depends on his behavior.
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be work soon........ O'Ya, You got nice house."
Black Testicles?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse comes into his room to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around to check.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
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