Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
June 24th 2007 01:08
Car Shopping
A couple had been looking at new cars for months. He wanted a simple truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zoom through traffic and look like a princess. He would have settled for almost any old truck, but everything she wanted was way out of price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 220 in 5 seconds or less. Valentines Day is coming up and you should surprise me with something really really great this year!"
Soon Valentines Day arrived and she un-wrapped her brand new bathroom scale.
Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?"
He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."
He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"
Have long marriages
Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.
They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.
The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
How much is two plus two?
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
You're so dumb...
- Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
- Still boots to DOS.
- Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
- Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
- Stuck on the down escalator of life.
- Stumped by anything child-proof.
- Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
- Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
- Surfing in Nebraska.
- Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
- Takes 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
- Takes an hour to cook minute rice.
CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin
asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an
answer so quickly .
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse,
4 richer, 4 poorer."
I'm be A Minister
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister
when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and
listen."
Lord's Prayer
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church
service,
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."
Sermon
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
Church Sermon
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and
on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Sunday
Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which
showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story
it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms.
Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth
person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
Prayers
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you
say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good
cook."
Bed Time
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to
touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek,
then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting
better at it, isn't she"?
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians
Will no longer be referred to as " HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE " or a "CHICK " - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN".
2. She is not a " SCREAMER" or a " MOANER"
She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE ".
3. She is not " EASY" - She is " HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE".
4. She is not a " DUMB BLONDE"
She is a " LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not " BEEN AROUND" - She is a " PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION".
6. She is not an " AIRHEAD" - She is " REALITY IMPAIRED".
7. She does not get " DRUNK" or "TIPSY "
She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED ."
8. She does not have " BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is " MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not " NAG" you
She becomes" VERBALLY REPETITIVE".
10. She is not a " TRAMP" - She is " SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED".
11. She does not have " MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS"
She is " PECTORALLY SUPERIOR".
12. She is not a " TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a " LOW COST PROVIDER".
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a " BEER GUT"
He has developed a " LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY".
2. He is not a " BAD DANCER" - He is " OVERLY CAUCASIAN".
3. He does not " GET LOST ALL THE TIME"
He " INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not " BALDING" - He is in " FOLLICLE REGRESSION".
5. He is not a " CRADLE ROBBER"
He prefers " GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS".
6. He does not get " FALLING-DOWN DRUNK"
He becomes " ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL".
7. He does not act like a " TOTAL ASS"
He develops a case of " RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION".
8. He is not a " MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has " SWINE EMPATHY".
9. He is not afraid of " COMMITMENT"
He is " RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED".
10. He is not " HORNY" - He is " SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It'snot his " CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants
It's " REAR CLEAVAGE"
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