Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
September 16th 2007 01:00
Billy Bob's Mule
Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered. The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends."
"Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."
Last will & testament of a farmer
I LEAVE:
To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.
To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.
To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.
To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.
To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.
To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.
And lastly
To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
The CEO
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Not Happy
I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it... he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said " Hey buddy, I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well then, which dwarf ARE you?"
And that's how the fight started.
Chow Time
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn't done that after a couple of beers? ... See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum last night, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things." --Jay Leno
"Last night, during a debate sponsored by a gay group, Senator Hillary Clinton was criticized because of her husband's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. In response, Hillary said, 'Sorry, but our entire marriage is based on me not asking and him not telling'" --Conan O'Brien
"It pains me to say this, but a 'Tip of the Hat' to the New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 1/2 inches to 12. I haven't seen this much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing" --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's doing more when he's not doing the job." --Jay Leno
"Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run and broke Hank Aaron's record. ... Last night, President Bush did not call Barry Bonds ... but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who's less popular than I am.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno
A critical shortage of typists
A soldier was asked to report to the headquarters sergeant for an assignment. The sergeant said, “We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this,” he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. “That's fine,”" he said. “Report for work at 8 tomorrow.”
“But aren't you going to check the test?” the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”
Medical Term Needed
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Community orchestra attendance
A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player.
Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."
Christmas Present
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
Military technology
As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job.
I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"
Wedding Vows
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:
"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
Do You Take Anything?
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine!"
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