Trevor WholohanWeekend Funny's
August 18th 2007 00:56
The Lexus
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
Mother's Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding."
The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony."
"But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it."
"Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
Who broke down the walls of Jericho?
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?"
Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!"
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth."
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story...
After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall!"
Country song titles
Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries:
- Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out
- You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa
- Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart
- I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day
- She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me
- The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long
- Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi
- I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf
- Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy
Mother Teresa and God
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
What It Means
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.
She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"
George and Moses
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness".
Road Repair
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.
Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."
It's a Girl
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.
"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds."
"When was she born?" someone asked.
Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
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