Trevor WholohanSunday Funny's
January 20th 2008 02:40
PACKER PRAYER
Our Farve, who art in Lambeau, hallowed be thine arm.
The bowl will come, it will be won, in Arizona , as it is in Lambeau.
Give us this Sunday, our weekly win, and give us many touchdown passes, but do not let others pass against us.
Lead us not into fustration, but deliver us to the Superbowl.
For thine is the MVP, the best of the NFC, and glory of the Cheesehead.
Now and forever.
A Texans Opinion
T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland , Texas , was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio but to thunderous applause from the audience. "If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just three things to say:
Red is positive
Black is negative
Make sure his balls are wet."
The Closet
A woman takes a lover home during the day while
her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the
boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your
friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now."
Smart Mom
A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.
"Why," asked the little girl.
"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."
The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"
Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."
The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"
"Yup," said the mom.
Pizza Pie
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
What Would Dear Abby Say?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
New Drugs on the Market
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a really bad club music CD or a book by that awful television doctor.
Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Murphey's Laws Of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
Computer Airliner
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Sherlock
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
CD Player
While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"
"That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music." "In other words this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."
| 71 |
| Vote |
Shared on
Subscribe to this blog
